my private life

Chapter 21

Although because Xia Jingyi is becoming more and more alienated from me, I already have a premonition that our relationship may end one day.But when she personally said to cut off contact, I still couldn't accept it.

I sat next to her on the sofa.She crossed her legs and deliberately kept a certain distance from me, and kept looking away, "Fanfan, don't come to me again, I'm getting married."

Her voice was low, but to me it sounded like a punch had been punched in my heart.I stared at her profile in bewilderment, unable to recover for a long time.

I moved my mouth but said nothing.It is her freedom to get married, and I have no right to discourage her from changing her choice.Besides, I'm not her boyfriend. Our relationship has always been a secret, so I don't have the right to speak.

I just feel that I will never be able to see her again in the future, nor can I be intimate with her, nor play games with her, let alone live with her after I earn money as I imagined.

I was dull and numb and felt no pain.The distressed feeling only emerged later when I was alone.At that time, it felt like a person was excitedly walking on an extremely familiar road that he passed every day, when suddenly someone turned your body 180 degrees, then patted your shoulder and told you indifferently, "You Go back, this road will not work." I was more stunned than sad.

"Are you okay?" She probably noticed my strange expression and asked softly.

Her voice cleared my trance-like brain. She was getting married and we would never see each other again.I grabbed her hand, but she broke free.

"Fanfan, listen to my explanation." In order to get rid of my tugging, she simply stood up and walked around the coffee table to stand in front of the TV cabinet. "We're both going to get married sooner or later. There's no way our relationship will be accepted by our family, right? Besides, we have our own lives, you have your studies and your parents, I have my job and my family. I don't think you would like to be my burden and burden?" She paused and folded her arms on her chest, watching my reaction to this teaching indifferently.

Have I become a burden to her, and my existence prevents her from getting married and starting a family?I was suddenly moved and humiliated, stood up and walked in front of her, "Since you are going to get married, why did you do that? Didn't you say you liked me? I said I would not get married, didn't you also say that you didn't?" Married? Didn't you say you would live with me?"

Under my series of questioning, she bit the corner of her mouth and lowered her head to stare at the floor, never giving any answer.We stood facing each other like this, and neither of us spoke again.

I know it doesn't make any sense for me to keep it anymore.My relationship with her has been guided by her from the beginning, and now that she has made a decision, I have no choice but to obey.Because in her eyes I am nothing.

"I see. Don't worry, I won't come to you again." After I finished speaking, I walked towards the door.When I walked to the entrance, I seemed to hear her low voice calling behind me, "Fanfan."

I stopped and turned my head. Obviously, I had an illusion. She stood there without moving, still staring at the floor, so that I couldn't see the expression on her face.

I didn't hesitate anymore and opened the door and ran downstairs.The farther away I was from her home, the thicker my sadness gradually piled up into a pool of tears, swirling in my eyes.In order to dissolve and dilute my sadness, I went directly to the steamed stuffed bun shop, where the customers who came and went could disperse some of the sadness in my heart.

But I locked myself in the hut at night, and I covered my head with the quilt and cried.

The next day, I took the train back to school. I did not go home during the summer vacation of that year but stayed in Beijing.

Back at school, I figured our relationship was over, so let me forget about her.Originally, in this semester, the number of contacts I had with Xia Jingyi had decreased significantly. Gradually, I also got used to not thinking about her in the days when I didn't talk to her, and focusing more on my homework.

The fact is that the more I want to forget her, the more her figure fills my mind.As soon as I opened my eyes, I thought of her lazily lying on the bed; when I was washing, she was naked and showering beside me; when I was eating, she was sitting next to me and grabbing dumplings one by one; Her smooth thighs pressed against the bed; I closed my eyes and heard her whispering to me from a distance, "Fanfan, Fanfan..."

Even after several years, my girlfriend left and came again, and I have grown into a mature woman like her back then, but whenever I feel lonely, I seem to hear this low calling again.

The most painful thing is that after I calmed down, I asked myself again and again, why did I have that kind of relationship with her, and why did this relationship last only intermittently for a short year?Did she love me?What is my relationship with her?Spirit or flesh?The answer is clear and brutal.

Especially thinking of her last sentence, "You don't want to be my burden and burden", which made me feel insulted and resentful.The sadness and resentment of being "abandoned", frustration and even self-blame, all emerged in one brain.

I was consumed by these intertwined emotions, and the painful days passed for about two weeks.During this period, in Fu Yuhong’s words, I had a gloomy face all day long, and I would neither look at anyone nor say a word to anyone, and always return indifferent or even disgusted eyes to anyone who disturbed my meditation.

One Sunday, feeling like I was going crazy, I ran to the school stadium alone at night and ran around the empty playground.Ordinarily, my body would not allow me to do too much intense exercise, and I couldn't care less at that time, or subconsciously, the spleen I hoped to be restored by her ruptured.I don't know how long I ran, my body was sweating profusely and my legs were so heavy that I couldn't walk anymore, so I stopped.

Squatting on the ground, sweat and tears slid down my face, and after the panting sounds calmed down a bit, I stood up and shouted like a madman, "Ahhh..."

After shouting, I also felt my own masochistic mentality, but I suddenly felt extremely relaxed in my heart.I think I can forget her, completely.

However, I was still too naive.No one will completely forget the very special person who appeared in their life. Time can make you forget some things and some details, but this person is only temporarily collected by you in a hidden corner deep in your heart. She ( He) exists forever until your memory fades with life.

For me, Xia Jingyi, the beautiful obsession and harm she brought to me are unforgettable in my life.It's just that as time goes by, with rich life experience, I become more and more mature, and the initial resentment slowly turns into a kind of indifference.

When I have the ability to re-examine and reflect on this experience in the future, every time I think back to the scene when she "seduced" me, I will do it a hundred times again, that is, I will become rational and mature, and I don't think I can resist her at that time. Charm.This has nothing to do with love.

I went home during the winter vacation that year.Because I was depressed, I was not interested in anything, and I rarely called home.I also didn't "turn grief into strength" to use energy on homework in order to divert gloomy emotions.I barely passed a few of my homework in the final exam.

The secret relationship with Xia Jingyi before made me close myself up, and except Xu Lina, a few close classmates in high school also lost contact because I didn't take the initiative or even avoided them on purpose.I was so bored during the winter vacation that I realized that I was a loner, and the only place I could go every day was the bun shop.I serve the dishes and wash the dishes and collect the bills, so I don't have to find excuses to go out anymore.

My mother also praised me for being sensible in front of some old customers.I was dumbfounded when I heard that.

One night, I met Xu Lina near my home.I learned from her that Xia Jingyi held a grand wedding with the son of the deputy director of the Health Department on National Day.When Xu Lina went to visit her grandmother, she also met Xia Jingyi's husband.

Listening to Xu Lina's description, it dawned on me that I remembered some details of her time in Beijing. First, a man called to invite her to accompany her, but she politely declined, and then the female director personally called.After being rejected, the man must have asked his mother to come forward.But I thought at the time that the man who had driven her home was the director's driver or a colleague.In fact, he should be Xia Jingyi's husband.

At noon that day, she went on a blind date, and in the evening she received a phone call inviting her to dinner, but she also refused.The caller was probably the director's son.After being rejected, the director of the hospital, who was entrusted by the director, went out in person.That's why she got drunk and was sent back by that man.At that time, I mistakenly thought that this person was her colleague. If she was a familiar colleague, her attitude should be easy-going rather than polite.

After that, her work was back on track and she picked up the scalpel again.The future daughter-in-law of the director, the colleagues in the hospital including Director Qi naturally dare not exclude her anymore.

If this is the case, then she has been dating this man since that banquet, and she didn't cut off contact with me at that time, just because she hasn't made up her mind whether to marry him.The voice of the man in her family I heard on the phone should also belong to this person.

Once she officially confirmed the relationship with him, she told me not to go to her again. She was worried that her fiancé would find out about our relationship.

On Valentine's Day, she said she would not go home that night.This may be an excuse for her not wanting to see me, but I prefer to think that she was with someone that night and it was not convenient for her to see me.I shudder at the thought that she might accept men while playing that game with me.

These inferences are based on my own review of the past in the future, and I pieced together some details that I had overlooked.

A few years later, by chance, I met Xia Jingyi and her husband, which proved my deduction to be correct: I had seen this man in front of Xia Jingyi's house.